When Things Don't Turn Out As Planned

Have you ever looked back on your life, marvelling at how things did not come about as you envisioned them? That is truly my story. In a session where I was first introduced to DBT skills, a poem was read from the perspective of a parent whose dreams of their child's future were very different from the reality they faced every day.

The poem was called Welcome to Holland. 

In the poem, the parent reflects that while everybody else's trip to Italy was going forward as planned, they ended up in Holland. This was a metaphor for their friends and family members' children's lives moving forward as planned in their hopes and dreams when they were conceived, yet their reality was that their own child's future was not going to be what they had hoped and planned when they were first dreamed about. 

This is my story with my son Tom; I know it's the story for so many other people. And it applies to more than just our children. It applies to our high school dreams about the careers we will have, or it applies to a marriage when you first say I do at the wedding ceremony. It also applies to jobs we were excited to start or places we were excited to move to.

Sometimes, things don’t turn out as planned.

Sometimes, life throws you a curveball, as they say, and what we do with that change is the only thing we can control. 

In our SILA Skills workshops, we discuss different emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills that help us manage our emotions to be the best versions of ourselves for ourselves and the people around us. 

Those people could be our family members, our friends, the people we work with, or even the people we work for, especially if we work in a service-oriented field like education, healthcare, or first responders. 

That's what I believe is so unique about the SILA Skills workshops. They help us gain the tools necessary to manage our emotions in the chaos surrounding us. Our emotions are often affected by our lives, whether at work or at home. 

We share many skills that can help someone living in an alternate reality from what we had hoped or dreamed. One of them is SCREW it. 

SCREW It!

It's a funny acronym that often gets a chuckle when shared in a workshop session, and it is a powerful reminder of the choices we can make when we feel overwhelmed by life. It's an acronym because each letter of SCREW stands for a choice we can make. 

Solve It!

S is for SOLVE. If we can solve the issue that is causing stress, then solve it. That might take effort, and we have to dig deep to find a solution, yet it is in our control. Our choices can bring about resolution, and there is comfort in that. The fact of the matter is that many of the things that cause stress are out of our control, and solving them is often not something we can see at the time. Sometimes, because we can't solve it or sometimes, because we are struggling with our emotions and cannot think clearly. So we can move to the C. 

Change Our Relationship to the Problem

C stands for CHANGE, which means changing our relationship to the problem, that is, changing our point of view. This is one that is sometimes easier said than done, and yet when you gain the skills to do this, it brings about so much less suffering, taking control of the situation. If I am feeling angry at someone or something and it’s causing me stress, changing my relationship to it might mean that I'm going to choose not to focus on being angry and perhaps focus on the importance of my relationship with that person and approach with kindness. I'm not giving up. I'm choosing where to focus my attention, thereby changing my perspective. This change in focus can help reduce intense negative emotions and/or stress.

Radically Accept the Situation

The next letter is R, and that is to RADICALLY accept the situation.  Recognizing that there is no immediate solution to the problem, the situation is out of my control. I am powerless to do anything about it, and I am suffering.  This one is all about being willing to realize that the situation is out of my control, and when I'm fighting for control, the only person who's truly suffering is myself. So, I radically accept that this is my reality, and it is what it is at this moment. I'm not giving up or agreeing that the situation is ok.   I'm accepting that while I may not like what's going on, fighting my reality is causing me more stress. 

Entertain Staying Stuck and Miserable

We can always E  ENTERTAIN staying stuck and miserable.  This can also reduce our suffering by letting us take control, knowing we are choosing not to take a different action.  In essence, we control the emotion; the emotion does not control us.  We can also decide how long we want to be miserable.  You may find that once you make this choice, you quickly realize you can make different choices like Solve, Change your perspective, or Radically accept both the problem and your response to the problem. 

Make it Worse!

Finally, W stands for making it WORSE. And there are many, many ways to make things worse. We can use social media to attack a person or organization. We can lash out at everyone around us and try to drag them with us to join our so-called cause, yet all we’re doing is making it worse for them and us, potentially negatively impacting important relationships.

I have done E&W many times in my life, and since applying these skills, I find that I am much more at peace with myself when I try to solve, radically accept, or change my relationship with the problem that is causing me stress. This can be applied to all situations and relationships at work and home.

Intrigued? Consider exploring our website, attending a workshop, or contacting us for customized training sessions to foster a harmonious and less stressful environment—at work or home.

These skills work!!